Four Score and Seven Strokes to Go

Golf. A solitary sport, played against no one other than yourself. Out on the links with nothing but your clubs and a will to better your score. Outdoors with beautiful scenery, rolling greens with mist tickling the fringe. A flock of geese fly by as you chip onto the 16th green. Sounds great doesn’t it?

Bullshit. Here is what I see.

Solitude: It is supposed to be a solitary sport but you are always playing in a group. You can try and play by yourself but they will stick you with a group anyway. You’ll be playing with the Stick-up-their-ass party Mr. Zombie. Then you have complete strangers watching you intently as you take every shot, then 10 yards down the fairway after launching a worm burner you get “Can I give you a couple tips.” So it begins, everyone is a freaking expert, doesn’t matter if they’re as bad as you, they know whats wrong with your game and how to fix it. Hey I’m not one to turn down tips but I’m out to have a good time not go to Q School.

Outdoors: Yah we are outdoors but if you have an early tea time you have the crisp cold morning, so you wear your shorts freeze your ass off for the first 3 holes and then it starts to warm up and I mean warm up. I’m usually sweating my bag off by the 7th hole. Then depending on what part of the continent you’re from you have mosquitos (actually they’re probably everywhere). Making the high pitch annoying buzz in your ear at the top of your swing where you then do the twitchy ear swatting dance, no wonder they call them bugs. So in order to protect yourself from the bugs and the sun you have on this mixture of sunscreen and insect repellant that by the smell of it has got to be doing something funky to my DNA and at the very least throwing off my swing by making me dry heave every time I get a whiff. Also geese are notorious for shitting all over the place. When I go to putt I don’t want to feel like I’m walking through a mine field. The green looks like a little clear cut forest of geese shits. I have to admit though, any golf course scenery is better than the view from my office so I have no complaints there.

With all that is wrong with golf I still love it. Making par is a thrill, making a birdie even better. Having someone tell you nice shot gives you a sense of accomplishment and walking up to your ball each time, you get to strategize, using your mind and the weapons in your bag to best attack the green and finally the hole. I may be a bit of a complainer for the more annoying aspects of the game but I’ll play a round any day. Cause like they say “A bad day at golf is better than a good day at work.”

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