Pricks Love Trucks
Okay, the title may be a little over the top but they’re generalizations not stereotypes and this is one that I am willing to make. And I know after preaching the love thing a couple of blogs ago I should be more understanding but these guys just piss me off. There are a few truck owners (pickups to be more specific) out there that aren’t complete assholes and to them I apologize. As for the rest of you there are a few things I would like to figure out.
1. What is the deal with the tailgating?
There was a time when trucks were meant for hauling stuff. You would load it up and trod on down the road, giving a wave and a tip of the hat to the car passing you by. Now they have these fully overhauled dual cammed hemi monster engine trucks (I have no idea what any of that shit means by the way) that can do 0-60 in the time it takes them to shotgun a beer. They can go as fast as any car but because they are bigger they don’t realize they can’t stop as fast. Twice in the last two days I have almost been rear ended by these idiots. The first guy had to pull onto the shoulder to avoid rear ending me (not sure if this was because my taillights are hard to see from 15 feet up or if his brain just works a little slower). It was rush hour so we were going maybe 15km/hr (9 miles per hour for my American, Liberian and Burmese readers). The second guy decided to cut in behind me too close to get better positioning for who knows what and had to slam on his brakes when I stopped for the car in front of me. I could see his eyes bulge in the rear view mirror as his truck went into the herky jerky anti-lock brake dance. It made my day.
2. What is with the big tires?
Listen, I can understand if you need the truck for work, but if you have a vehicle that needs a step ladder to get into just cause you want to look cool you’ve got some real issues. Some of these guys have tires taken off the Avatar dump trucks, ridiculously sized and full of enough air to complete a landing on the moon. Getting in and out of muddy farms or even harder to reach worksites in the bush is one thing but these vehicles are pristine and most have just been detailed and updated with the latest audio system or Calvin pissing on something sticker so I know it’s just for looks. And the Delta Bravos driving these monstrosities are young and look like they have never done a stitch of work in their lives.
3. Balls? Really?
And last, but certainly not least is the practise of putting a set of balls on the back of your truck. I think it is probably trying to make your truck look like a dog or a bull, but I don’t get it. You see most people hang stuff from their rearview mirror, usually stuff they are into. Me I have a set of miniture hockey gloves hanging from my mirror, cause I’m a hockey fan. Are these guys fans of balls or is this some type of primal mating display? Who knows.
I don’t hate all truck owners, my father has a truck. Just the ones that fall into the 3 categories above.
So in closing, here is a message for all you pricks who love trucks. Get some smaller tires, drive like your not playing Need for Speed and stay off my bumper far enough so you can see me give you the finger cause I hate having to roll down my window for anyone. And because you are sucking in much needed oxygen and gasoline from others that are actually doing some good here is some advice – Save the planet, kill yourself.