Off the Post
Warning, this post may be disturbing to certain readers, especially the guys!!
I play ball hockey three times a week, one game is Super Leagues (high intensity, high skill) then I play a mens pickup game on Sundays (guys just get together and play, still fun) and a Co-ed league on Wednesdays (guys and girls play together, lots of fun). Anyway this particular instance was a Co-ed game. We have moved up to A division as we won in the B division last year, they decided to bump us up. Anyway you get anywhere from low skill to high skill players, it varies from team to team. This game we played a team with a lot of talent, there was 4 guys and two girls that were top notch players. In this league you don’t wear a lot of equipment, gloves, shin pads if you like, and that’s it. I started off the scoring by putting one in the corner. Great shot, not to toot my own horn, but it was nice. Anyway, they were pressing hard to get the equalizer. They moved into our zone and set up, usually I’m cherry picking in the offensive zone (I thought back-check was a small town in the Czech Republic) but I happened to be back and in on the play. The guy was at the point, and I had him covered pretty good. He set up and took a shot. Everything after this gets a little fuzzy, but I’ll do my best.
For those of you who play ball hockey, you know that when you get a good slapshot the ball tends to curve a little. Like a pitch in baseball. The ball is an orange plastic, hollow ball. This ball came of his stick at mach 1 and I swear it gained speed as it headed towards me. As it travelled through the air, it curved and landed in an ultimately dangerous area. Yes you guessed it, the special place, the meat and two veg, the mini-me. If you have ever seen this happen you know everyone in the gym first reacts “Oooooooo!” even the ladies, then it goes deafeningly silent. Well what I remember was the silence, and in my state of shock my mind said, you’re fine and a half second later my body said, ummm, no your not. Searing pain and nausea overcame me. Let me explain exactly how it hit me.
You know how down there, it is comprised of, how should I say, Big Jim and the twins, well in this case Big Jim was hanging over the twins, so Big Jim took one for the team, the twins where untouched. So with my face contorted into what probably looked like a mixture of confusion and extreme pain I hobbled off into the bathroom. I would have been freaking out if I wasn’t in so much pain, at first I couldn’t feel anything, I thought it was broken, I couldn’t even touch it, I just sat there doing a strange kind of chicken dance with my butt sticking way out, willing my body away from the pain in my groin. The weird thing was the whole time I was in pain it felt like I had to go pee, and I didn’t know if I could at this point. So I decided to throw water on it, worried that at any second someone would come into the bathroom and see me with my Johnson hanging in the sink with my shorts around my knees. Eventually all the feeling came back and I could walk normal again. It was pretty sensitive for a couple of hours. After the game I went home and had the wife just make sure everything was in its right place, she just laughed at me and told me to buy a cup. So lesson learned kids, wear protection, cause you never know when a shot will go where it’s not supposed to. And Santa, can I get a cup for Christmas, please?