Celebrity Moments

After Oscar night I thought this would be a timely post. It is about my experience with celebrities, although small and pretty much non-existent, it is crucial to how I deal with celebrities now.

I was actually going to call this post My Brush with Meth. Don’t worry I haven’t started a new destructive habit that makes me loose my teeth or smoke anything out of a broken lightbulb (however the hell that works). I am a huge fan of a man named Dan Meth, you can check out his blog here. He is an artist, animator and actor, with a wonderfully twisted sense of humour. I first discovered him on a video podcast about animation called Channel Frederator, he had a thing on the podcast called the Meth Minute featuring such episodes as Brunch-Out (based on Mike Tyson’s Punch Out), The Craigs, Ultra and The Lazer Hearts, Wang Warriors and countless others. It’s pee your pants funny stuff. Hang in there, I do have a point.

You see, I am really bad at twitter, I can master any type of social media, Facebook, Linked in, or whatever else you through at me, but it’s that damn twitter that messes me up every time. I just get the hang of tweeting and then they throw in replies, then I start to get my brain wrapped around that and hash tags come around the corner, what the hell is that? I know now, but for a while there I had no idea what people were talking about. So the other day I am looking at tweets and I see a section in my app called Connect, I click on it and I realize it’s a list of interactions and mentions on your twitter account, interesting. So I am flipping through my mentions and like a bolt of lightning from celebridom is a retweet by the Meth man himself, Dan Meth. The tweet was a video Dan did for a Weird Al song, one of his polka medlies, which are my favourite (don’t judge me). The retweet made my day, I would have replied right away and thanked him but it was a month old. I know it isn’t like meeting the guy in person, but it was like walking down the street and you nod, and he nods back and all is right in the world. Thanks Dan. So I told you that story to tell you the other stories of my celebrity encounters in random order that didn’t always go so well.

John Candy: Was always a huge fan, was bussing at a place called Signapore Sam’s, a late night Asian eatery where all of the drunks come after getting wasted on Electric Avenue. Unless you grew up in Calgary you probably have no idea what I’m talking about. Anyway a waitress had come back to the kitchen and was yelling, “I need a clean up on table 12, move your ass!” I thought to myself, what a bitch and was still thinking that when I was wiping the table down. Usually I don’t even look at the customers, just wipe the table and be on my way. Well that’s when I heard the famous laugh, teeth together, cheeks smooched in, you can here it now can’t you. I look up and it’s John Freakin Candy, I dropped a brick right there in my pants. Way too cool, well, I busted my ass to make sure they had everything they needed while they were there and when they left he thanked the other bus boy for everything. It was my table!!

Alyssa Milano: I was actually down in Los Angeles for a vacation with my family in the late eighties and my dad had scored some tickets from the assistant coaches brother (who my dad worked with) to the Kings hockey game, it was one of the best games I have ever been to, I got to see Gretzky play live, nothing better than that! Anyway we sat with the assistant coaches wife and she gave us the run down on who sat where and what celebrities came to the games. Well Alyssa Milano was actually at the game, she was sitting across from us on the other side of the ice. I always had the biggest crush on her and thought it would be cool to meet her. She had this massive female bodyguard sitting with her. Well Alyssa got up to go to the bathroom or get some popcorn, who knows, sans bodygaurd, so I got up and excused myself and walked up to the concourse. This was all spur of the moment, so I didn’t have a plan, suddenly there she was, walking with her head down, no one else in the concourse and I chocked. I didn’t know what to say so I let her walk by. Sad but true, so Alyssa if you are reading this here it goes. “Hi, I’m a big fan, cute and you like hockey, will you marry me?” Too much?!?!

John Cusack: He was in town with Neve Campbell who I believe he was dating at the time. Well he was at a bar called the Concord, a small modern looking place with cube chairs and under-lit tables. I saw them sitting at their table and told my girlfriend I was going to say hi to them, I had a few drinks by then, so I saunter up to the bar and do the look over my shoulder thing. After doing this a few times John gave me the smile and the look as if to say, “You’ve been looking at me for ten minutes now, either come over and say hi or stop looking at me yah creep.” Celebrities must get that all the time, it has to get old pretty fast. Again I wasn’t prepared, I walked over and said “Hi, I’m a big fan, will you marry me?” Kidding! I actually said, which isn’t much better, “Hi, I’m a big fan, I loved you in Grosse Pointe Blank.” WTF, that is all I could come up with?!? I have been a life long fan of Mr. Cusack and this is the best I could do. I really need to prepare my meetings with celebrities better. From that point on I promised myself that I would not have these superficial “Celebrity Moments” where I waste their time and mine. I wouldn’t wait in line to say one line to someone that means nothing. If I had something meaningful to say then fine, but I didn’t want to be that guy anymore.

So to all of you celebrities, if you see me coming, know that unless I have prepared something I won’t be bothering you. I will be courteous, polite and well behaved, but if I do talk to you I will still probably blurt out “You rock, movies you’re in are the best, keep making wicked stuff!” I just can’t help it.

4 Comments

  1. The handful of celebrities I’ve met on non-work related-type happenstance situations were pretty hilarious. You see, I’ve got this thing where I recognize your face and I realize I know you, but I don’t know where I know you from?

    Also, it turns out Carlos Mencia has great startle reflexes. Don’t ask me how I managed to figure that out.

    You’ve met some really fun ones though! I’m glad you wrote about your encounters. I have no idea what I’d say to Cusack either. Probably the same thing as you did? Instead, I say nothing and then regret it.

    Or I do the “where do I know you from?” stare. Celebrities LOVE that.

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  2. Is that the look you’re expecting from Mr. Nicholson when you eventually cross paths with him?

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  3. Blondzombie says:

    It’s inevitable Patrick, I am celebrity cursed.

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  1. […] imagined cartographic relief map of the world start to twinkle on their own. Flick! A writer spins anecdotes of three charming encounters with celebrities. I look up and it’s John Freakin Candy…   There goes another one! Glint! A memoirist […]

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