Is it Solipsistic in here, or is it just me?


[sol-ip-sis-tik] adjective
of or characterized by solipsism, or the theory that only the self exists, or can be proved to exist:
Her treatment philosophy dealt with madness as a complete, self-contained, solipsistic world that sane people are not able to enter.

What is reality? Who is in control? Are you part of my imagination, or am I part of yours? What if the universe is our mind? What if everyone that I know and love is just part of an over elaborate play that my unconscious mind has thought up to keep me entertained? You ever notice the level of detail in a dream? It is incredible that the mind can just conjure up these fantastical landscapes and scenarios that seem to be built by an unseen and omnipresent film director. Maybe I am Spielberg? If he is part of my reality, that means I created him and all of his movies. Wow, now that I think about it I have done a lot of cool stuff, I invented the wheel, the television, the printing press…wait a second, that means I am responsible for New Coke, cancer and Hitler, sorry guys. I don’t control this, it just plays itself out like a dream.

Speaking of dreams, you ever notice that in a dream you can’t turn on light switches or make phone calls properly (at least I find that in my dreams). Maybe dreams are the dress rehearsal and the final production is life itself.

So if all the world is a stage and I am the puppet master this is how I see it all playing out in the end. Let me set the premise, all of the gods work in an ad agency, the office is pure white like we are in the cloud. We can call the agency “The Immaculate Concept” just for fun.

All of the gods have different jobs at the agency. Buddha is in accounts, God is head of creative, Odin is in management, Allah is in charge of HR department…you get the picture. God is running a focus group with a bunch of humans, the focus group is made up of humans dreaming, but like in a dream, they are like goldfish and they forget right away, easily distracted. God is market testing the meaning of life, but no one will listen, a portly dude with a ten dollar haircut and a t-shirt that says “Jenius” pipes up and asks “I see your point, but life to us is…” his eyes then go glassy and he jumps out the window only to float back up again “I’m flying” God just buries his head in his hands. Just then Odin pops his head in and laughs at God, “Sucks to be you buddy” Odin looks over at a hot chick with red hair and cute freckles from the focus group who is making out with her astral projection of Donald Trump. “Fuckin humans eh?” he says “Don’t get me started” God says with his face still in his hands. “We’re going to Ragnarök at 5:30, human souls on me. You in?” God looks up just in time to see Buddah walk by, Buddah pulls on his lapels of his beautiful new suit, taunting God. “Prada Bitch” he says then turns to Odin and says “I’m in, don’t waste your time on this fool, he’s here for the long haul.” Odin looks at him with pity “Later then buddy.” God half smiles at him and turns back to the humans, they are all writhing around in their own dream like states, God shakes his head and looks at his agenda which is on December 21, 2012 and writes “ARMAGEDDON!” just then all of the humans in his focus group look at him with terrified looks and burst into flames, dissolving into thin air. He then yells to Odin “Hey buddy, wait up!” and runs down the hall to catch up to him.

The End (literally)

Alternate Ending – we leave off with Odin leaving God in his misery

…Odin looks at him with pity “Later then buddy.” God half smiles at him and turns back to the humans, they are all writhing around in their own dream like states. He then looks at one of his most promising focus group attendees, he walks over and looks him in the eyes. “Are you there Douglas? It’s me God.” Still staring off into space God sighs and smacks him across the face. Douglas’s eyes focus on God and he says “Snoopy?!?” he then shakes his head like he has been sleeping for a long time and looks into the eyes of God realizing where he is. God seeing that he has his attention cups Douglas’s face in his hands. “There yah go buddy, now listen to me, I’ve got places to be, so you need to do me a favour, I need you to sell the rest of your people on the meaning of life…you got it.” Douglas realizing he is about to receive the rune stone of human existence starts to cry, he nods his head furiously and wipes a tear from his eye. God leans forward and whispers into his ear, Douglas starts to glow with a golden aura and is imbued with an angelic appearance. God then leans back, looking at him “Tell your people my child.” God then grabs his papers and his iPhone, yes god has an iPhone and yells to Odin “Hey buddy, wait up!” and runs down the hall to catch up to him. Douglas, now turns to his fellow dreamers and one by one wakes them from their stupor. He has them all lined up and is about to tell them the meaning of life, so that the human race can move forward and prosper like it never has before, everyone is staring intently at him, their eyes are open, sober and intent on hearing what he has to say. Douglas then looks over to his left “Is that Robert DeNiro in a tutu?” He looks back at the focus group “What was I talking about again?” and in a flash they burst into flames. God gets a text on his phone. “ARMAGEDDON!”. He looks at Odin and says with a shrug “Oh well, we’ll start again Monday.”

The End (literally, again)

Just a couple of different scenarios I thought would work well for the end in 2012. I will rehearse it in my dreams. I am also working on me winning the lottery, solving all of the worlds diseases, winning the Nobel Peace Prize and losing twenty pounds. I’ve got a lot of work to do before the end. Just like me to set myself up to fail. What was I talking about again?!?

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