Jumping Goats

What do jumping goats have to do with my morning ritual? Damn near the most important part of the day. Coffee that is. Kaldi, an Ethiopian goat herder noticed that when his goats nibbled on a certain bush with bright red berries, they would start to jump around, become more energetic. He decided to try them himself, to his amazement he felt an kick he didn’t expect. He took them to a monastery nearby to see what the monks could make of this electric plant. The monk thought it was nothing and threw the berries into the fire which filled the room with a smell we are all familiar with, roasted coffee. The smell was intoxicating and the monks fished the beans from the fire and ground them up in water making the worlds first cup a joe.

Damn you goat herder! Now I can’t start my day without a cup of coffee, my blood doesn’t start pumping until the caffeine hits my veins. My wife and I are Keurig people, this is a single cup coffee brewing system. Well, our Keurig after an eternity of faithful service stopped working. But we had a back up, just recently it stopped working as well. You know how you don’t miss something until it is gone? Well I miss my coffee, after many caffeine headaches and botched attempts to fix the coffee machines I finally gave up and started to use my local coffee shop for my cup of coffee. Whether it is Tim Hortons (Canada answer to Dunkin Donuts) or Starbucks (the worlds answer to market saturation). I was now one of those people standing in line twitching and blurry eyed, waiting to get my morning coffee fix.

Over half of North Americans drink coffee everyday, most of it during breakfast. Is coffee the fuel that runs our continent? Forget about the oil in the middle east, let’s annex Columbia, make sure Juan Valdez is keeping those beans coming. Blond Zombie needs his caffiene.

Whether it be a Carmel Macchiato or a large double-double it is what gets me to work on time, keeps me from snapping at my loved ones, and pretty much gives me the energy to do the daily grind. So thank you dancing goats for finding the bright red berries and making sure we all had a way to start our day.

I have included a short film script I did a few years ago about coffee, just a little something to start the week with a smile. Take care and caffeine up.

Venti

January 24th, 2007

Quote on screen, white on black

Coffee is the most popular drink worldwide with over 500 billion cups consumed each year.

Cut to shot of woman nice housewife waiting in line, telling her dark secrets (lit brightly as if only one in the room, she is talking to Sam)

“… my kids are going to kill me, especially the little one, I can see the hate in his eyes…he gets it from his degenerate father, espresso please, whats the little size again?”

Quote on screen, white on black

Almost half of all American adults drink a cup of coffee to start their day.

Cut to shot of man standing in line, telling his dark secret (lit brightly as if only one in the room, he is talking to Sam)

“…I love my wife but she came on to me, at my age you don’t look a gift horse in the mouth, unless she’s got herpes…hahaha…oh yah, coffee, black in a mug”

Quote on screen, white on black

Over 25 million people are employed in the coffee industry.

Cut to a shot of a young woman standing at the counter, braces, glasses, kinda mousey flirting obviously with sam (lit brightly as if only one in the room, she is talking to Sam)

“I will get a grande latte with extra foam please…and I like my coffee like I like my men, hot…giggle” she pushes her glasses up and puts on her sexiest look…so you wanna go out sometime?”

Quote on screen, white on black

And I am one of them.

We see the sillouhette of a person behind the counter. he is lit from behind so you can’t make out his face but you recognize his shape and his hair.

We start out in a mouse eye view of a messy bedroom floor we move along it like a snake, old pizza in the box, laundry on the floor, xbox 360 and various books and movies are on the floor (a speilberg’s movie would be a nice touch). Camera pans up over the bed where we see more of the same on the bed until we reach a mess of hair sticking out of the top of the covers same as in the intro shot, you know he is that guy. A pound on the door and a male voice yelling from the hall wakes him up.

Phil (roomate) voice from outside

GET UP YOUR GOING TO BE LATE AGAIN, ITS 12 OCLOCK!!!

shot from over top of bed looking down. Covers get pulled back and we see a good looking but a little worse for wear young man he is groggy. Looks over at the alarm clock slowly. the time clicks over to 12:00 as the music starts to play from his alarm clock, it is a jazzy funky toon.

Sam (Main character) looks up at the camera

“awww shhhhhhhh”

This shhh sound goes into the venting sounds of the venti intro graphic.

shot interior Sam’s apartment hallway

Sam steps out into the hallway after taking a shower, he is half dressed without a shirt

“Phil, you seen my work shirt?”

Phil seeming distraught, says very somber

“No…Sam we need to talk.”

Sam distracted by trying to get ready for work

“What? about my work shirt? Little dramatic don’t you think?”

Sam finds his work shirt thrown over the back of the couch, its dirty, he hold it up to assess the dirtiness.

“ah, crap”

Phil who is a non confrontational guy has trouble speaking

“I, uh, I need to talk to you about the apartment”

Sam turns and looks at him, knowing this is more serious than he thought

“Its too early in the morning for this Phil”

Phil a little pissed off

“Its after noon Sam”

Sam, realizing he is late for work again

“Whatever, its early for me alright, if you want to talk you have to talk fast I have to get to work.”

Phil

“Its about Gwen, she’s moving in.”

Short silence

Sam

“Great, as long as she doesn’t touch my stuff”

Phil seeming a little frustrated and flustered

“No Sam, you don’t get it.”

Sam looks at him as he runs his shirt under water in the sink

“What are you saying?”

Phil

“She is moving in on the 1st, thats 2 weeks”

Sam is wringing out the shirt in the sink looking at phil as he is talking imagining wringing his neck

Phil realizing he is getting sam angry is getting more nervous

“She has a lot of stuff and we agreed it would be nice if we had…”

Sam

“Had what?”

Phil suddenly with a little more composure

“…the place to ourselves.”

Sam still not fully awake sounding dissapointed

“What the fuck Phil”

Sam looking pissed off takes the shirt he was wringing and throws it in the microwave, slams the microwave door and sets the timer.

Phil looking like a kicked puppy

“I’m sorry man, but…”

He then walks over to Phil and stands face to face.

“When you broke up with that skinny girl with the messed up teeth…whats her name…”

Phil

“…it was a retainer and her name was Angela.”

Sam

“…doesn’t matter, when she broke up with you, that night you got drunk and made $300 worth of phone sex calls, you didn’t even get the satisfaction of the calls you just cried on the phone to these phone sex operators how much you missed her, but the next phone bill who helped you pay it off”

Phil a little sheepishly

“You did”

Sam

“And the fat goth chick…Flabby Anna…”

Phil

“it was Fabianna and she was only 130 pounds”

Sam on a roll now

“Yah but she was 4’2″”

Phil makes a look as if to say yah your right

Sam

“When she cheated on you and you wouldn’t leave the house for 2 weeks, who stayed with you and played Mortal Kombat day and night, helping you to get back on the relationship bike again…huh…who was it”

Phil is smiling and nodding as Sam is nudging him

“You did”

They both kind of reflect on the good times

Phil

“But thats not the point here, you also crashed my car, burned the carpet in 3 places, got me fired and I still can’t find my Cat.”

Sam looks away trying to avoid eye contact

Awkward silence

Sam

“So we’re even then”

Sam says as he makes his way back to the micowave that is beeping

Phil standing at the door

“No, I need you out of here by the first, sorry man.”

Phil walks out the door

Sam takes the shirt out of the microwave that is extremely hot and scalds his hands

“Shhhh…”

Cut to the bus stop with the bus sound making the shhhh sound as it stops for Sam to get on.

As Sam sits down he sees a guy (Jacque speaks with a french accent) sitting accross from him

Jacque

“Off to work I see”

Sam not in the mood

“Not today Jacque, not in the mood”

Jacque seeing he has hit a nerve exploits it

“Don’t get your panties in a bunch, I was just making conversation eh?”

Sam

“I have to find a new place to live”

Jacque smiling

“You having trouble with your boyfriend”

Sam

“See, I open up to you and you throw it back in my face, I thought the french were supposed to be compassionate”

Jacque to the bus driver

“I am compassionate, oui, homosexual, non, listen you guys have been living together since high school, what am I supposed to think”

Sam to the bus driver

“Why do I keep riding the bus with this loser”

Bus Driver

“Your a masichist, either that or your stupid”

Jacque

“I think its a little bit of both, that probably why his lover is leaving him, he doesn’t like the rough stuff”

Sam getting pissed off

“Jacque for your information, my roomates girlfriend is moving in and they want the place to themselves”

Jacque getting giddier by the minute

“Oh…” he nudges the busdriver “…it’s a jealousy thing, they’re cutting you out of the loop”

The bus driver and him are laughing heartily now

Sam at the end of his limit reaches up and pulls the cord

“I’ll walk from here.”

Busdriver

“I got it wrong before, he’s the masichist, your just stupid”

Jacque and the bus driver are laughing at Sam.

We see a shot from the busdrivers point of view, Sam is standing on the sidewalk staring at them with a look of disgust on his face as the doors close…SHHHHHHH sound effect

SHHHHHHHHH as the coffee machine at work is going of, we pan up from the coffee machine and see Sam walking through the door.

Sams manager Gerrald meets him half way from the door

Gerrald

“Sam, you’re late again”

Sam looking at him like he is nuts

“Yah whats you point Gerrald”

Gerrald putting on an act

“I didn’t become manager by showing up late Sam, I am sure you don’t expect me to let this slide.”

Sam confused

“Why are you sounding like a corporate lackey all of a sudden…”

He looks behind Gerrald at the counter is a Big bucks coffee executive with a clipboard and a personal assistant glaring at him

Sam realizing who they are, says under his voice so the suits can’t hear.

“aww…you kiss ass, trying to put on a good show for the suits, bite me”

he walks away

Gerrald speaks louder than he needs to at Sam as he is walking away so the suits can hear him

“This is strike number 2, one more and we will have to take steps to correct it”

The suits give Gerrald a nod of approval

Sam walking by them shakes his head, he sets up at his station, shot of clock speeding by, shot of line in coffee shop in fast forward

We see Sam cleaning up the coffee station as the coffee shop gets a little quieter, we see a lady walk in the front door, she is obviously in a rush

Crabby Lady

“Excuse me…excuse me! I would like some service here.”

The suits look over at Sam as if to say, well how is he going to handle this one

Sam goes over to the lady

“How may I service you today?”

Lady looking at him like he is a smart ass

“Very cute…I would like a Venti mint mocha chip with extra whip cream, stat, that means fast Mr. Barista”

Sam

“No problem, comin right up”

Crabby Lady

“Uh huh” she says completely not interested in his courtesy, woman sitting down is staring at her “what are you looking at”

Sam makes her the best coffee he has ever made anyone, he is very proud of it as he takes it back to her.

“Here you go”

Crabby Lady turns back to the counter and looks at the drink, her expression changes, she is aware of the managers watching and decides to milk it.

“What are you kidding me, this is not extra whip cream, I have come in here for the past 3 years I shouldn’t have to put up with this kind of service. I am not paying for this.”

We see Sam and he tilts his head as if he can’t figure this woman out her words and look start to change

Crabby Lady still on her rant

“If I ever…blah…blah…blah”

The Crabby Lady then morphs into his roommate Phil, with Phils face but her clothes and hair. He proceeds to talk to Sam.

“But I love her, see is my soulmate, she completes me”

The Crabby Lady then morphs into jacque and the bus driver

Jacque

“Look at the little coffee boy with his little apron, how gay, are you gay huh?”

Bus driver

“Yah are you gay?”

Jacque to the bus driver

“Are you gay?”

Bus driver

“Are you?”

They pause briefly then kiss passionately

Shot of Sam again, he shakes it off as if he is digusted but fasinated with what he is seeing

The lady then morphs into a shot of Gerrald the manager in the wig and clothes of the lady kissing Gerrald is about to kiss the suits bare butt.

Sam is really disgusted now

Shot back to the lady who at this point is freaking out

“Are you even listening to me, what is with you, HELLOOOOO, anyone there.”

The suit comes over to see what is going on

“Is everything OK here?”

He looks at Sam as if he is slow.

Sam, looking like he is coming to his senses…smiles.

“Everything is fine, I’ll take care of it”

Sam then looks at the Crabby Lady

“Sorry about that, my apologies”

The suit is called off to help in another part of the coffee shop

Sam heads back to the station and makes a new drink, he then hawks up the biggest spit into the foam, he then sculpts it and molds it around it and then when it is looking perfect he smiles triumphantly and takes it back to the lady.

Sam

“There you go, what was I thinking.”

Crabby Lady

“that wasn’t so hard was it now.”

Sam almost zen like

“Not at all, it was my pleasure.”

Sam walks around the counter and passes Gerrald his apron

Gerrald

“What’s this?”

Sam and Gerrald are now by the front door, we can see the lady in the background by the counter and the suit on the other side talking with this assistant

Sam

“I quit”

Gerrald

“But why, I was just bustin’ your balls earlier”

We see the Crabby Lady in the background take a big spoonful of her whip cream, she swishes it around a bit, her eye twitches, her eyes get big and she spits it all over the table and yells towards the door with stuff dripping from her mouth.

Crabby Lady

“That little bastard spit in my drink”

Sam

“And that would be strike number three.”

We see the suit turn and look at Sam and bolt for the door after him, the suit then slips and falls on the slippery floor and fall on his back, Sam turns to leave with a smile on his face.

Credits come up with a small box of video inset on the side

It is Sam talking directly to the camera

“…so this lady was being a real bitch, so I horked up the nastiest and and most vile lung biscuit I could, I knew I would get fired but it was worth it, it may have been a little extreme but I’ve been putting up with her for years, she just picked the wrong day to piss me off. You should have seen her face, she’ll never drink coffee again. Then the corporate drone bolted for the door and fell flat on his back, I guess there was a puddle of coffee or something, he ended up suing Big Bucks Coffee for twenty million, the funny thing is, he is my new business partner”

We see the suit saddle up beside him with a neck brace on.

Corporate Drone

“Hi Sam”

Sam

“Hi Bill”

Bill in his best lawyer commercial voice

“Sam made me realize I didn’t need to work for the man, now I am the man, so we are got our own place, We call it Hot Joe and the muffins.”

Sam

“That name sucks man, how about Bean there, done that!” Sam is smiling proud of his name “But bean is spelled B-E-A-N, huh? huh?”

Bill 

“That is so 1999…”

Sam

“Well whatever we call it, with over 300 million coffee drinkers in the world I don’t think we’ll have a problem, you know you want it” he says with a smile

Sam smiles and turns to Bill they are talking about more names, music comes up and credits grab the video square and it moves off the screen

1 Comment

  1. The Hobbler says:

    So funny. It did make me miss coffee though. I’m taking a break from drinks other than water because I am such a supportive (read stupid) friend of someone doing lent.

    Anyway, I just remembered that your Aunt has MS, and I was thinking that you might be interested in joining my walk team. It is free, and you can be a virtual walker, so you don’t even have to get off the couch. Here is a link if you want to check it out: http://wp.me/p1Cvgh-Nh

    Like

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