There is a warehouse full of things that annoy me, stacked up like the crates at the end of The Raiders of the Lost Ark. As I age I have gotten better at keeping them to myself. My wife called me on how many times I started a sentence with “You know what I hate…” it was an eye opener, that’s for sure. So I won’t tell you what I hate but I will give you a list of little things that get under my skin and bug the shit out of me. Here it goes.
People who finish stories for you – Have you ever been at a party or a dinner and you spend 10 minutes telling a story, weaving your web of plot and character development, only to have some asshole chime in at the end with “…and then we got there and no one had any money.” They pull the rug out from underneath you, steal your thunder. Everyone is laughing but you are sitting there with smoke coming out of your ears. It pisses me off.
Fat people who complain they are fat – This is in no way a weightest statement (is weightest the fat version of racist?) I am a morbidly obese person trapped in a slightly overweight guys body. With my love of chips and dip, bacon, cheese, beer and any mixture of those five ingredients I am surprised I am not bed ridden with sweat cheese growing in my many fat folds. I play hockey three times a week and work out so this doesn’t happen to me. But to let myself go and then complain, as I ride my Rascal through the Junk food aisle of the grocery store shouting orders to my skinny boy-servant, making sure he grabs me the fattiest, fat, fat, artery clogging cookie yum yums, is just plain wrong. And annoying.
People that ride your bumper – It’s the people who are in such a rush that they need to ride your ass to let you know they are in a hurry. Just read my blog Pricks Love Trucks and you’ll get the picture.
People who have a dogs and call themselves mommy and daddy – Unless you did some weird genetic experiment and you popped out a hybrid human dog, werewolf type monstrosity, stop using the mommy and daddy label. As a side note on this, I love listening to people who get a dog to see if they can handle having a kid. Newsflash people, two completely different things. That’s like learning to ride a bike to see if you can fly to the moon. You’d probably get in a lot of trouble if you let your kid shit in the backyard and only fed it a can of meat mush once a day. And enough with the cute talk and letting the dog lick your mouth, you know where that mouth has been? If it’s not stuck in his crotch, it’s usually stuck in the crotch of every stranger that walks through your door.
DVR mishaps – I look forward to seeing a TV show all week that I have recorded and when I go to watch my new episode of Robot Chicken, I get the end of the Masters! WTF? You fast forward hoping it is just a commercial but you get three quarters of the way through and you know you’re pooched. Arrrrgh!! I love sports but they need to keep it within their allotted time slot, do some editing, tell Tiger to pick up the pace or something, Family Guy is on in ten minutes. Annoyingly annoying.
Teeth and Forks – Nothing is more nerve grating than someone who scrapes their fork on their teeth. I can’t stand it, every nerve in my body punches me in the annoyed part of my brain begging me to make them stop. It is even worse when I do it to myself by accident. I just had a shiver go through my body just thinking about it. It gives me the williams and annoys me to no end.
Annoyed – Just the act of being annoyed, annoys me. Sitting there, stewing in my own agitated, pessimistic, hand wringing, teeth grinding juices, is a piss off. The list of my annoyances is enormous and to cover all of them here would take forever, which would get annoying, ha ha. So maybe I will do an ongoing revisit to this blog in the future, it’s nice to get this stuff off my chest. If you have anything you find annoying leave a comment, please, I love hearing about other peoples misery, it makes me feel better and less annoyed which is the whole point now isn’t it?
A small, funny, but annoying video to make you smile, then after about 10 seconds grate on your last nerve and drives you crazy. Enjoy!