Childhood Spoiler Alert!

*WARNING, THIS BLOG CONTAINS INFORMATION ABOUT SANTA CLAUS, THE EASTER BUNNY, THE TOOTH FAIRY AND BROBOT THE HIP-HOP HOLIDAY ROBOT, DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU DON’T WANT TO FIND OUT THE TRUTH, YOU WILL ONLY CRY AND LOSE ALL THE MAGIC YOU ONCE HAD IN YOUR CHILDHOOD IF YOU PROCEED ANY FURTHER*

Sorry for yelling at you in text form, but it is the only way to make it clear that there are spoilers here and if you aren’t completely clear that there are spoilers involved, people get really pissy. Since when did the lawyers get a hold of spoiler warnings anyway.

With that said, I wanted to talk about the first time you realized that there is no magic left in the world, that the skeptics have taken over and crushed every bit of magic we had left with their science and their how it works websites. Well one of those bits of magic that went the way of the dodo bird is Santa Claus. This was nobodies fault in particular, I just started to notice that Santa shops at the same stores that my parents did. Plus it didn’t help that Santa’s handwriting was the same as my mom’s. That was a big red flag. But as a kid you try to convince yourself. Mom just labelled it for Santa, he’s a busy guy after all, right?!? (lip quivering). But once you’ve figured it out, it’s too late. As an older brother I had to keep up the charade going for my younger sister. But you feel privileged and disillusioned at the same time, you are in the inner circle of the Santa Conspiracy, but Santa is dead, hard to process when you’re young. But you’re not going to give up the Santa presents, who would be that stupid? Those were the biggest gifts. I used to imagine after I found out, what my parents would be talking on that previous Christmas eve. “The dumb little shit still hasn’t figured it out yet, leave the price tag on from the store, see if that puts him over the top this year.” Then they would nervously laugh themselves to sleep wondering if I would still be living with them when I was thirty.

Even with my daughter I feel guilty every year I lie to her about the posse of mythical holiday people I have filled her head with. Cause one day I am going to have to burst that bubble. She’s going to look at me with that heart breaking gaze thinking “Why in the hell would you do that to me?” Ugh, I can see it now. But I could answer her. “I was trying to recreate the magic for you that I had as a kid.” We remember the magic, never the day we lost it.

Then comes the deluge. Once you figure out the Santa ho, ho, hoax, everything else falls like dominos, they rat on each other like a pretty boy looking at a jail time. It can get ugly. I remember my dad coming into my room when I was about six and doing the tooth fairy switch, I knew he had been doing it, but I decided to say hi to him as he was making the switch to let him know, give him the nod so to speak, that I was a big boy now. I think he thought I was asleep and out of it, that I didn’t notice his hand was under the pillow. He pulled it back quickly and said he was checking on me. In the morning I had the money, but that would be the last time, I think they knew that I knew. Something great about that, growing up. Figuring stuff out. You may lose a little magic, but you gain some independence.

Don’t be worried about losing magic from your childhood, most of the holiday icons are just made up to sell you shit anyway. Even Brobot the Hip-Hop Holdiay robot is a sham to sell hip-hop records, he never really existed, sorry guys I know it hurts, walk it off. There are other ways to get magic into your life, have kids, buy an island, trip the light fantastic, do whatever you need to do. Just don’t try to hard to keep the illusion going with your kids for too long, because with the internet , television, Facebook and seventeen other information stations your kids plug into daily, they’re going to find out before you know it, then you look like the asshole. In the meantime I will leave you with the words of Graham Greene – “There is always one moment in childhood when the door opens and lets the future in.”

If you look close it’s me, Doug! I think I look good in a beard.

2 Comments

  1. There’s no Brobot? Dang, Blondzombie! Give a gal a warning next time, will ya? 😉

    On a more serious note, I *have* been wondering how contemporary parents keep up the myths of childhood given all of the easy access to all kinds of information these days. Your answer is basically “you can’t,” right? Duly noted.

    Also, I loved the Graham Greene quote at the end. Nice touch, sir!

    Like

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