Bond Zombie

Bond, James Bond, he kills the bad guy, retrieves the countries most valuable secrets and gets the girl. Not always in that order. But he gets it done. Girls want him and guys want to be him, it’s just that simple. Don’t mess with the formula. We love Bond because he is an Übermensch, a superman, better than the rest of us. Bond doesn’t trip or fall, he never misses and he definitely is never scared. So when I went to Skyfall tonight, the latest in the Bond franchise I was a little disappointed.

Don’t get me wrong it was entertaining, Bond killed guys, had some snappy one liners and some dramatic plot twists were had, thumbs up. Don’t worry I won’t give away too much but needless to say, Bond at the beginning has some challenges and he trips up a bit. This left a bad taste in my mouth. I don’t want a more human Bond, I want a guy that kicks ass and never fails. This is why I go to movies, to escape. Not to be reminded that even fake people have problems too. Fuck that! They say Moonraker may have been one of the worst Bonds ever (aside from Her Majesties Secret Service of course), but I say nay nay, maybe this was one of the best ones. Bond and lasers. Come on. Imagine a reboot of Moonraker these days, my mind would be blown. Too cool.

From Batman to Bond these once great men are reduced to common people, with real world problems. The actors playing the parts are more fictional characters than the fictional characters from the movies. What next? Bond gets a second job cause he can’t cover the mortgage? I want pure and unadulterated fantasy, I want Bond to kill the bad guy while he gets the spy girl on a jet then sneaks the microfilm through customs which he cleverly hides in the waistband of the stewardesses panties, then bangs the stewardess after they land to get the microfilm back to Mi6. Now that is the guy I pay my hard earned money to see.

So next time you see our great fictional heroes being compromised, vote with your wallet. Don’t give into these watered down sensitive types. Give us the testosterone filled, cigar smoking, muscle head that shits missiles and drinks motor oil, he doesn’t have to be roided up or anything, just tough as nails. Jack Reacher might fit this bill, keep an eye out for it.

But on a final note, if you are going to mess with a legend Hollywood, it’s shaken not stirred, a Vesper Martini, not a single malt whisky or Heineken…at least get that part right. Some things shouldn’t be messed with.


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